This Is WHY You’re Addicted to Them: 7 Tactics Emotionally Unavailable People Use to Keep You Hooked
One of the most confusing and painful dynamics in modern relationships is being emotionally attached to someone who keeps you in limbo. They may show flashes of connection, offer moments of intimacy, and make promises that suggest emotional depth. But when it really matters, they disappear emotionally or physically. What’s left behind is a cycle of anxiety, longing, self-doubt, and a craving for closure that never comes.
This isn’t just an accident or a flaw in compatibility. Often, it’s the result of deeply embedded psychological tactics that emotionally unavailable people use consciously or unconsciously to maintain control, avoid vulnerability, and keep others stuck in a dynamic of pursuit.
If you’ve ever said, “I don’t know where I stand with them” or “It feels like they want me, but not fully,” this post is for you. These are the seven most common tactics emotionally unavailable partners use to keep others emotionally addicted and confused.
More of a visual learner?
I break all of this down in my latest YouTube video called "This Is WHY You’re ADDICTED to Them: 7 Tactics Emotionally Unavailable People Use to Keep You HOOKED.” — watch it here.
1. Intermittent Reinforcement
This is one of the most powerful tools emotionally unavailable people use. Intermittent reinforcement occurs when affection, attention, or validation is given inconsistently and unpredictably. One moment they’re all in, texting back quickly, being affectionate, and talking about the future. The next, they withdraw without explanation, become cold, or ignore messages.
Psychologically, this is a form of conditioning. It creates an addictive loop in the brain, similar to gambling, where the uncertainty increases the desire. The brain becomes wired to chase the “high” of the next emotional reward, no matter how infrequent it is.
2. Future Faking
Future faking happens when someone makes grand promises about what the relationship could become vacations, moving in, getting married with no real intention of following through. It creates a fantasy that keeps the other person emotionally invested, even when their real-time behavior is distant or inconsistent.
Emotionally unavailable partners often use future faking to create a sense of hope and attachment, which makes it harder for their partner to walk away, even when red flags are present. It’s not the reality of the relationship that keeps the bond intact. It’s the potential that was promised.
3. Hot and Cold Behavior
Also known as the “push and pull” dynamic, this tactic involves swinging between warmth and withdrawal. One day they’re highly engaged and affectionate. The next, they go quiet or create emotional distance. This creates instability and makes it feel like the relationship is constantly on shaky ground.
The result is that the other person begins working harder to stabilize the relationship, often blaming themselves for the change in mood or connection. The emotionally unavailable person remains in control, keeping their partner in a cycle of emotional chasing.
4. Guilt-Tripping and Gaslighting
When emotionally unavailable individuals are confronted about their inconsistency or emotional absence, they may respond by flipping the script. This includes guilt-tripping their partner, accusing them of being “too needy” or “too emotional,” or invalidating their feelings altogether.
Gaslighting is when someone causes you to question your perception or feelings. Comments like “You’re imagining things” or “You’re always overreacting” are meant to erode your confidence and make you second-guess yourself. Over time, this creates a dependency where you begin to rely on their version of reality rather than your own.
5. Keeping You Just Close Enough
One of the more subtle tactics is emotional breadcrumbing giving you just enough affection, attention, or connection to keep you engaged, but never fully committing or deepening the emotional bond. It creates a cycle where you’re always waiting for the next sign that they care or the next moment of emotional intimacy.
This tactic keeps the partner in a state of emotional limbo, hoping for more and blaming themselves for not being enough. The emotionally unavailable person never fully invests but also never fully lets go.
6. Selective Vulnerability
Emotionally unavailable people can sometimes seem deeply open, but in very controlled ways. They may share a vulnerable story, talk about past pain, or admit to struggling with trust. At first, this feels like emotional intimacy, but it often functions as a deflection or shield.
By offering selective vulnerability, they create the illusion of closeness while still avoiding true intimacy. It can make the partner feel like the emotionally unavailable person wants to connect but just needs more time, understanding, or patience. This tactic delays accountability and deepens the emotional bond without true emotional reciprocity.
7. Disappearing When You Get Too Close
Whenever the relationship begins to require more emotional presence conversations about exclusivity, needs, or deeper connection the emotionally unavailable person may pull back completely. This can come in the form of disappearing, becoming emotionally distant, or even sabotaging the relationship.
The goal is avoidance. Vulnerability is perceived as a threat, not an invitation. Instead of leaning in, they retreat. This sudden pullback often causes panic in the partner, triggering a cycle of self-blame and intensified emotional pursuit.
Why It Feels Like an Addiction
Being caught in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person often mirrors the cycle of addiction. The highs are incredibly intoxicating, the lows are devastating, and the inconsistency becomes the hook. It’s not the person that becomes addictive. It’s the emotional rollercoaster and the psychological trauma bond that forms when love and pain are experienced at the same time.
Trauma bonds often form when someone repeatedly experiences emotional intensity, fear of abandonment, and the belief that love must be earned. These patterns can be difficult to break because the nervous system has been trained to confuse inconsistency with passion and anxiety with connection.
Healing Begins With Awareness
Recognizing these tactics is the first step toward breaking the cycle. No one deserves to live in a state of emotional confusion, always questioning their worth or chasing someone who only shows up halfway. Healing requires returning to the self, building emotional clarity, and relearning what safety and consistency feel like in a relationship.
The goal isn’t to change the emotionally unavailable person. The goal is to recognize what is happening, honor your truth, and reclaim your emotional power.
You are allowed to want consistency. You are allowed to want connection that feels grounding, not destabilizing. You are not too much. You are not too sensitive. You are someone who deserves to feel safe, seen, and deeply loved.
Looking for additional support?
Check out my YouTube channel playlist: “All About Relationships” for real-life strategies you can start using today.
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