1. Silent Expectations

We all have them, and we all go into relationships with them. While it is important to understand that our partner cannot fulfill every need or expectation it is important to be clear about what our silent expectations are and how the expectations are shaped by our past.

• This exercise is to write down your silent expectations (things that you expect to happen automatically without sharing it with your partner). An example of this could be : “I expect my partner and I to eat at the dinner table every night” or “I expect my partner and I to spend time apart every few months”.

• Share what you wrote down with your partner and have them do the same. Have an open discussion without judgement of what your partner wrote and come up with helpful solutions.

The examples provided may seem simple enough but maybe your partners family didn’t eat dinner together every night so that’s not something your partner was aware that was important to you. If you write down deeply rooted expectations such as “ my partner should always make me happy when I’m sad” I would gently challenge you to take a look at why you expect that but have not said it to your partner before. What happens if one day your partner cannot complete this task, how will you feel? Most importantly, ask yourself “Is this silent expectation coming from my own baggage? And if so, what am I doing about it?”

2. What Brought Us Together?

You may want to hold onto this exercise as I promise that you will find it beneficial later on in your marraige. Let’s write down what brough you both together in the first place. Many couples tend to forget this. It’s important to remember that everyone changes so expecting things to always be the same is unrealistic. Therefore, going back to what connected you and your partner in the first place can be so helpful.

• Answer a few questions with your partner

1. Interests that we both have in common are:

2. Our future plans include:

3. Our hopes and dreams for the future include:

4. Our fears for marriage are:

5. That one thing that brings us back together is:

3. Taking Inventory

Many of our patterns in relationships stem from what we saw from our parents, grandparents, friends, and others. Therefore, it’s important to look closely at the roles you play within the relationship either consiously or without even thinking about it. Answer the following questions:

1. I am important to our marriage because:

2. I deal with stress by:

3. I know I am important to you because”

4. I am intimate with you when we:

5. Important decisions are made by:

6. I feel lost in our relationship when:

7. I practice self care and alone time by:

When you’re done, share your answers/responses with your fiance and be open to having a discussion based on your answers.

If you find yourself needing a premarital couples therapist during this time, we are here to help. At Exhale Counseling Center, LLC we are trained in premarital counseling and preparing couples for marriage. You can do things on your own and learn the difficult way or you can find a therapist that is trained in helping couples learn from others mistakes in order to stay 5 steps ahead and reduce unintentional heartache and pain. We each carry our own bag of expectations, hopes, dreams, and past hurts into our relationships (even if we don’t like to admit it). Instead of placing that bag onto your partner without much context, you both can work on understanding each other and verbalizing the unspoken expectations.